CumberKHAN: Manual
by Gordjia
Summary: Each one of us would like to meet Khan in real life. Well, your dream can come true! Khan Unlimited is here for you. Now you are ea happy owner of one. During use of KHAN NOONIEN SINGH for injuries risk reduction it is necessary to follow the basic safety rules listed below.


Authors: Gordjia (aka showmeishowyou), бета: Камбербечнутая

English speaking Beta: Rachel F, you are the best! Thank you sooo much!

All rights reserved and preserved

Manual for cumberaddicted,

or

How to lose your mind completely.

_Pre-order: 72-KHAN-01_

_Khan Unlimited: safeguarding your worthless lives._

Khan's manual

(c)

***CONGRATULATIONS***

Now you are a happy owner of KHAN NOONIEN SINGH, a unique copy of a genetically superior human with a vigorously splendid set of unstudied DNA.

ATTENTION! To reduce the risk of injury during the use of KHAN NOONIEN SINGH it is necessary to follow the basic safety rules listed below. Read it carefully before getting started to use your KHAN and keep it, and your KHAN will provide you (and your descendants) hundreds of happy years with solid security.

In case of emergencies you can always rely on your KHAN and his rock-solid shoulder(s), arms, legs (and other body parts).

INSTALLATION and ACTIVATION

After you KHAN received, please do the following steps:

1. Turn on the defrosting process of the ice chamber by entering the code «You should have let me sleep» on the top panel. By entering the code, you're signing the license agreement, waiver of a claim and an agreement to all the consequences, including lethal outcome.

2. Awake, your KHAN will try to attack you. Make a cross from the comb and the tube of studio hair gel and hold it in front of you stiff-armed. Try to control your knee's tremor. Your KHAN will turn from the dark side of destruction to the light side of creation and start to adjust his hair. If, awake, your model will be sorely perplexed and carry itself in a peaceful way, check the activation and settings by articulating "Seventy two".

3. Delete all the pieces of clothing off your KHAN and put him into the shower. Try to control your body's tremor. Gently rub your KHAN with soap and then rinse well in warm water. Don't let him leak.

Before the first use, warm up your KHAN. Also, extended configuration includes one rubber duck (1). Don't hurry to utilize the babble wrap that comes with the duck. It can be used in case of emergency and distract your KHAN for couple of hours from the universe conquest and mass destruction.

4. We deliver KHAN with add-ons, fully charged, all the possible program modes included. Please, check all the supplements if you ordered your KHAN with add-ons (see below), and be sure that you got the proper model of KHAN.

Models Available:

(а) Version I KHAN (copyright Meyer/Ricardo Montalban, 1967,1982)

(б) Version II KHAN (copyright Abrams/Benedict Cumberbatch, 2013)

Current manual written for:

(б) Version II KHAN (copyright Abrams/Cumberbatch, 2013)

Configuration:

KHAN - 1 pce.

Black indecent fit turtleneck - 1 pce.

Black indecent bodyfit pants - 1 pce.

Studio hair gel - 1 pce.

Comb - 1 pce.

Extended configuration:

+ Rubber duck for a great shower mood - 1 pce.

ADD-ON's (OPTIONALLY)

1. PAIR OF OVERALLS (1 pce.) and GRANDPA'S BRIEFCASE ANTIQUE (1 pce.)

Possible mode switching to ALTERNATIVE SEXUAL ORIENTATION, exaggerated taste to various exact sciences (math, statistics). Your model can start to act like a geek, nerd, possibly want to reinvent the wheel (and other computers). Please, don't use this mode till the mid-2014.

2. LEATHER JACKET (1 pce.) and WHITE SHIRT (3 pcs.)

Possible mode switching to KILL STEAL, nope, sorry.. MOAN SEXY PROTECT, some of our users prefer this mode to the standard GROWL ORDER AROUND and DIVIDE, INTRIGUE RULE. Strongly recommend to test this mode with corresponding configurations (usually it is necessary to delete some pieces of clothing off). In this mode your KHAN can act very effectively, but no longer than 20 minutes (as a result of simultaneous functions: to protect and to show off).

3. PIANO (1 pce.)

Possible mode switching to LITTLE CHARLES «PLEASE, LOVE ME», range of voice can extend in several octaves and make you feel endlessly happy (experience of unbelievable pleasure is possible), use carefully. Don't turn on before witnesses.

4. SCALES (0,99 bcm)

Possible mode switching to DRAGON, recommended to use with add-ons VELVET SUIT. ATTENTION! (for further information please refer to LIBRARIES. SEX).

5. The early XX century clothing (portmanteau 5 pcs.)

Possible mode switching to CHRISTOPHER TIETJENS, aka CHRISTOPHER DECENT THE FIRST, aka CHRISTOPHER WANTED WHAT'S BEST, BUT GOT THE USUAL, alias CHRISTOPHER OH GOD THIS TEA IS UUUGH, aka CHRISSY, HONEY, SAY, HOW'S THAT. Recommended to use in need of comfort someone. In this mode your KHAN does everything wrong, trips up and needs eternal care, sympathy, tenderness, kindness. Recommended to use no more than 1 time in 4 weeks and not less than 3 times in a year to avoid settings failure.

(for further information please refer to: CHRISTOPHER TIETJENS Manual).

6. COAT (random)

Coming as: dark-blue, beaver collar, «Esquire» USA.

Possible mode switching to CUMBERBATCH and activation regime «HYPERPOSH»

(for further information please refer to: BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH Manual).

7. GREEN PARKA (1 pce.)

Possible effects: hair discoloration. There is a bug in the source code, manifests itself with sudden hankering to hack your computer, laptop, Ipad, Iphone, androids, iron and fridge, disclose all of it on the internet and then run away to the closest embassy in long strides.

Switch carefully.

8. BLACK COAT (4 pcs.) with "lady de vil" aka "those cheekbones" collar. Keep in a separate closet. During use, your model of KHAN can switch between modes by itself, change settings to the model SHERLOCK and became unmanageable.

Optional program malfunctions:

- Your KHAN can claim that for further functioning he needs the WATSON model

- Use of your sofa (24/7)

- Your model may claim that it is necessary for him to have access to various drugs

- Uncontrollable violin playing and getting on people's nerves?

- Dead body's parts into your fridges and on various kitchen surfaces

- DRAMA QUEEN mode can be activated

- Use of a whip/riding crop (not included in any package, your model can acquire it using your credit card information, deduced from your eyebrows

- Clothing add-ons: SHEET

Recommended to use no more than 1 time in 4 weeks to avoid settings failure.

(for further information please refer to: SHERLOCK Manual).

9. VELVET SUIT, recommended to use in LIBRARIES and other closed spaces.

(for further information please refer to: BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH Manual).

10. SILK ROBE (1 pce.), CIGARS (2 ps), GLASS (1 pce.), WHISKY (10 botts.), Recommended to use in LIBRARIES and other closed spaces.

(for further information please refer to: BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH Manual).

SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Khan Noonien Singh (optional: John Harrison, not recommended, can set off a negative reactoin)

Nature: superior, genetically engineered human

Made in: Earth

Age: 300 years

Strength: may lead to dizziness (How would his strength cause dizziness)

Height: 182 cm

Weight: to avoid injuries we would not recommend any experiments (even if it's night, you'r afraid of the storm and your sheets are cold)

Length: {censored}

Color: White marble

Hair: Raven-head

Eyes: Intent look Color: chameleon/gray (cold fury).

Hands: Able to do hand-stands and push-ups with feet against the wall

Fingers: Shamelessly long, calling for associations. Can play musical instruments.

Legs: Can accelerate to a great speed (tested with the model SPOCK).

Physical specifications: Meets requirements of protection, can attack enemies, has all the necessary key functions. Excellent memory (so you don't have to write down your enemies' names), can use various types of vengeance (but use only one, for further information please refer to: cracked skulls).

Your KHAN also can take care of other various issues when you change the mode to temporary mode CUMBERBATCH (optional: FASHION IS MY PROFESSION(aka I'M SO HOT RIGHT NOW, aka MODEL), NANNIE).

Be careful, recommended to use no more than 1 time in 4 weeks to avoid settings failure (same with SHERLOCK and CHRISTOPHER TIETJENS modes)

Distinguishing features: lavishly accentuated _upper lip_ contour.

Temper: Nordic, «improved Bond».

Tattoos: No

Voice: So sepulchrally resonant that it could have been _synthesised_ from the combined timbres of Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart and _Alan Rickman_. There is a high posibility of going into trance, coma or multiple orgasms, be very careful with the doze (also known as "Cumberdoze"). Recordings "My family", "You are not so smart", "If you think you are safe, you are wrong" avaliable.

!ATTENTION!

Separate models can also have recordings "I was waiting for you" and "I can't keep it inside" (for use in CHARLIE «PLEASE, LOVE ME» mode only). If you will use these recordings in the wrong mode, there are possible outcomes (as feedback from users showed) in the form of divorce. Strongly recommended to use those recordings ONLY in CHARLIE «PLEASE, LOVE ME» mode, permanent irreversible consequences are possible. Manufacturer shall not be liable under this indemnity to the extent that any such event occurs.

OPERATIONAL PROCESS

Your KHAN was developed to protect and save your miserable life. Representing the range of skills an in-fighter. Skills of cracking skulls installed. KHAN knows how to handle all kinds of weapon, cars, and ships. Has knowledge in all common sciences. Some models have human manipulation skills.

!ATTENTION!

There are no limits of KHAN's capabilities and possibilities. Can sacrifice life to save user and other unpredictable behavior.

Control can be activated by voice. Please, articulate your instructions in good English Harrow alumnus's dialect preferable if you want your KHAN to understand you.

Remember, your KHAN has many other skills other than protecting and guarding and can be used for various purposes.

FASHION IS MY PROFESSION (aka MODEL, aka I'M SO HOT RIGHT NOW):

Activate the mode CUMBERBATCH and use add-ons: VELVET JACKET or SILK ROBE on combination with CIGARS, GLASS, BOTTLE OF WHISKY.

Be careful: don't mix the order, if you will use add-ons before mode switch, your KHAN's settings can fail.

(for further information please refer to: BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH manual).

NANNIE:

Turn on the CUMBERBATCH mode and leave the children in his line of sight. In regular mode your KHAN can detect children as users, but in CUMBERBATCH mode you will see his gut reaction: book reading, poem reading, poetry reading (don't forget about your KHAN's incredible memory), cuddling and outdoor games guaranteed. In CUMBERBATCH mode we don't recommend you take pictures of your KHAN with the children. There is a high probability that your children will discover one gross and easy to learn gesture.

A SHOULDER TO CRY ON:

Your KHAN, switched to the CHRISTOPHER TIETJENS mode for 5 minutes, is a unique substitute for psychologist is not needed 2-3 hours therapy. He will listen to you, dry your tears and ease your anxiety (in 5 minutes!).

*** BE CAREFUL ***

Your KHAN is a fully functioning model of a superior human which is able to fulfil many other domestic functions besides protection. Notwithstanding, some of the functions can be misunderstood by owners who are currently in stable relationships with human species. Misuse of your KHAN can lead to divorce proceedings. Therefore we recommend to keep the address of family court and be reasonably careful.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

Your KHAN model is compatible with other models from the "Improved Humans and Similar Races" line, but be careful and don't use him cooperatively with old models from the STAR TREK company (KIRK STRIGHT GYRUS, MARCUS THE SNAKE, SPOCK CHEATER). Otherwise permanent consequences are possible (for further information please refer to: CRACKED SKULLS)

MAINTENANCE

Use your KHAN carefully and only for its intended purpose. In the case of use for a purpose other than its designated one, your KHAN can lose essential settings: cold-bloodedness, strength, severity, savagery, cruelty, and mercilessness. Therefore, you won't be able to use KHAN as KHAN anymore (so be ready to take care of your CHRISTOPHER TIETJENS or, God forbid, SHERLOCK).

CLEANING

You will need to clean your KHAN from time to time (depending on the task you give him). Use only water (no juices or alcohol, water shower strongly recommended) to clean your KHAN in easy- and hard-to-reach places. Use warm Klingon (capital K) water in case you need to wash off indelible spots and marks (chocolate, whipped cream, wax).

LUBRICATION

To keep your KHAN in good condition you have to lubricate his moving parts.

NB: Detailed analysis left beyond current manual. For more information please refer to showmeishowyou_ dot_ tumblr_com/

CHARGING

Your KHAN needs additional recharge only when he runs in other modes.

FOOD

Your KHAN needs food only if he runs in other modes.

It is necessary to feed your KHAN in CHRISTOPHER TIETJENS, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, there are no information about other modes.

1. OATMEL, SIR and CHICKEN

ATTENTION! Avoid feeding your KHAN chicken in regular mode! Your KHAN can start complaining and whining, can claim that he doesn't want to go the gym anymore and even call you "ABRAMS" (this is still an open problem in our prototypes).

DRINK:

2. FIVE O'CLOCK TEA. Watch your KHAN carefully in the SHERLOCK mode and don't think that if he pretends to care about you and to make you TEA that he really cares and it's real TEA (for further information please refer to: SHERLOCK MANUAL).

!ATTENTION!

In CUMBERBATCH mode your model can ask for WHISKEY (not from the add-ons) and also VODKA (pls refer to: gray goose, beluga). Be careful. Persistent misuse can lead to bugs, systems failures and friendly models appearances (for example, RED DEVIL FASSBENDER) and uncontrolled fun (for further information please refer to: DIVORCE).

SLEEP

Parameter not supported 24/7.

In other modes your KHAN can sleep 24/7 and sniff / wheeze (refer to models CUMBERBATCH and CHRISTOPHER TIETJENS).

REPROGRAMMING

Your KHAN can be upgraded in 2014 or 2015. For further information please ask in local cinemas and internet (Upon a change of manager of ABRAMS&CO it is reasonable to make a request about new software and read the description carefully before installing. Be careful, new versions can vary from the 2013 version A LOT).

SAFETY

To save your extremely popular model of KHAN, a superior human, please follow the instructions:

* Install a microchip in your KHAN. He can do it himself, just ask him with a die-away voice and he will start the procedure.

* Keep away from public view.

*** CAREFUL! ATTENTION! ***

Your KHAN can tell you that the best way not to lose him is to tie him to a bed with silk scarves. Or to enchain him. Or to lay together into the cryogenic /ice/ chamber. DO NOT TRUST HIM! You can do it, but do not think that this is for safety.

FAQ

Q: Can I order two KHANs?

A: Because this model is too popular, we had to limit our sails: one KHAN per customer.

Q: Where do I need to keep him when I don't use him?

A: Strictly speaking, your KHAN shall be stored into the ice chamber when not in use. Freeze him and he will keep great working condition for a long time.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS

Problem: Your KHAN's hair is messed up, his clothes torn to pieces, love bites all over and he has stunned expression on his face. You look the same.

Solution: Switch regime from NC17 to PG13. ATTENTION! If your life is in danger, you have to carry on with it and do not switch until the danger is eliminated.

Problem CRACKED SKULLS: Your KHAN has a habit to crack your enemies' skulls with bare hands.

Solution: It is a common problem for Version II KHAN (aka VENGEANCE). The only solution is to wait until all your enemies will die at the hands of your defender. Don't forget to clean your KHAN and his clothes after that (refer to "CLEANING").

Problem: There are hundreds of screaming girls in your front of your house after receiving the KHAN unit. They're all holding signs that say "MARRY ME, BENNY!"

Solution: This phenomenon is a widely occurring one. Please act as follows:

(1) It is important to hide your KHAN. Do not hide him in the bedroom - they look in that place primarily.

(2) Tell them that "FRANKENSTEIN" is playing in local theatres and there is a new series of "BBC'S SHERLOCK" on TV. They will evaporate.

(3) Tell the rest of them that you own a Version I KHAN. Most of them will walk away, as they have no idea who it is (copyright Meyer/Ricardo Montalban, 1967,1982).

There will be no more than 10 of them. Invite them in for tea and and oatmeal and start the discussion about the human nature of KHAN and his role in eugenics wars. While they will argue, run away with your KHAN to the closest Klingon's planet and hide there for several weeks.

LAST NOTE

Your KHAN will protect you for many, many years. Do not forget to write in your will in which you explain who will inherit your defender and dear friend (as your miserable life is short and he will live forever).

!THANK YOU!

Khan Unlimited (c)


End file.
